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I’ve complained many times how difficult it can be to find “mom friends”. I am finally finding out why thats the case. As soon as your child’s life is publicly announced, you become (wether you like it or not) suddenly thrust in to the “Mom Club”. These strange conversations start happening between yourself and other moms about shit you literally NEVER cared about before: bottles, clothing, detergent, breast feeding vs formula, co-sleeping- the list goes on and on and on.

Now while being a mom is definitely my biggest accomplishment to date, it doesn’t solely define me.

 I hate feeling compelled to “just LOVE” the Pinterest craft ideas you shared… but I fucking hate crafting. A lot. I really hate it. Maybe some moms see a craft idea and envision little giggles and cotton ball snowmen and finger paint turkeys or whatever but not me. Nope. I see that and instantly get a headache imagining the hot glue gun malfunctioning and my kid screaming herself into a tantrum because the popsicle stick fell on the floor. No part of that interests me. Now, I’m not a completely selfish mom- I will suck it up from time to time and do activity books and make some cookies with my kiddo. Doesn’t mean I’m loving it. But she is. Usually…

Also, if on more than two occasions I’ve seen another mom in public and done the whole “yeah! Absolutely let’s get together for a glass of wine and chat and get the kids together sometime!” But haven’t done it… I don’t want to. I don’t want to share opinions on Chablis or Chardonnay or Malbec… in your kitchen… while our kids argue over some dumb toy 3 feet away. Sorry! Unless you wanna sit in your Jammies with me, while I have a cheap domestic beer, (you can have your wine just don’t fucking talk to me about it) and listen to old DMX and pantera albums- it ain’t fuckin’ happening. 

On that note, I also noticed that I’ve broken one of the first promises I’ve made to myself and daughter. I promised I would always make it to school functions, chaperone field trips, and bake pies and shit (pretty sure “and shit” wasn’t in initial promise) for bake sales to benefit whatever good cause it’s for. 

I have made it to ONE school function, I’ve NEVER contributed to the bake sales, and I’m lucky to pick her up on time let alone take the day to come with you on a field trip. And for that I am sorry. I’m guessing the PTA isn’t holding a seat for me in the near future!

Trading recipes: here’s my secret- whatever works! Seriously, usually I’m   cooking dinner with one hand while answering emails and phone calls with the other, and intermittently putting my boss on speaker and setting the phone on the bathroom sink while I wipe my kid’s butt and the minute rice is burning! That’s my reality. I may share photos of my dinner in fb, “pre-consumption”, but you never see the leftovers because it was inedible. 

Screen time limits? Ha ha ha. I LOVE MY TELEVISION!!! And thankfully so does my kid. Because sometimes it’s the ONLY way I can vacuum, cook dinner, feed dogs and cat, answer last minute work emails, Start laundry, feed the fish, set up coffee pot for next morning, did I feed the fish?, water plants, empty dishwasher, switch laundry, (is that fish fed?), take out trash, return and make personal phone calls so my loved ones don’t think I’m an asshole, and pay bills. Oh, that fucking fish!!! I always forget him, poor guy!!! That screen time rule goes right out the window unfortunately. 

Leggings. Oh leggings!! Let me be the first to say that every mom I’ve seen in their cute leggings and sweaters and boots pulls off that look. And that’s awesome. I bought ONE PAIR and it still sits with tags on my dresser. Never worn. And most likely never will be. I am VERY aware that I resemble a late 90’s has-been Delia’s magazine ad, but dammit I like my flare jeans, and they fit! I also still have a ridiculous hoodie collection and love rocking the “t-shirt over the long sleeve” look. I will destroy your “girls night out” group shot and stick out like a sore thumb. Plus I don’t have a personal instagram, snap chat, or an accessible twitter account (because I lost the password). So, I guess, #lame #oldlady

I guess all this being said… I sometimes feel like I am failing at “momming”.  But realistically, my daughter is smart, witty, opinionated, and full of wonder and awe. She amazes me constantly. And if fitting in with society’s perception of a “good mom” is the only way to be one, well then I’m terrible. 

But I do know that my husband, my FEW close friends, and my relatives, are always respectful of me as a parent. 

Being a mommy with a social life is tough. It’s really tough.